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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29908050">In the Heat of the Night</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Guardy/pseuds/Guardy'>Guardy</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Emergency! (TV 1972)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(though there's a non-zero chance that Joanne Knows), Bittersweet, Cheating, Eventual Smut, M/M, Mutual Pining, Sharing a Bed, Some angst</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 19:28:13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,076</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29908050</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Guardy/pseuds/Guardy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Johnny and Roy share a bed during their first business trip to San Francisco. This should be perfectly innocuous, really - and it might've been, too, had they not spent most of their time at 51's desperately and secretly pining for each other across the gap between their bunks. It's been a while since they've last had the opportunity to do that - and now, the gap is gone. You do the math.</p><p>-</p><p>Rating may get bumped up to E or stay at M depending on how detailed that second chapter gets. Chapter 1 is a lot more physical than my usual fics, but still doesn't go further than kissing.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Roy DeSoto/Johnny Gage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>30</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Disclaimer: I've skipped through the movies just enough to get the general idea of them and notice the <i>double bed in the background of their hotel room</i> but am otherwise saving them for "I wanna liveblog my first time watching them properly after I'm done with the rest of the show"-reasons. If something doesn't quite match up, consider this an AU. Also, they were promoted and presumably transferred in the "Greatest Rescues" movie, so that's why they're not working together here anymore.</p><p>The title’s taken from the Smokie song of the same name, which doesn’t have too much to do with anything, but the mood fits (even though the night described here is, at most, figuratively hot). </p><p>The usual link to the tumblr- and Extra Authentic 70's Typewriter version will go here later, after I've actually scanned the typewritten pages.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>In retrospect, Roy figured there was no way a business trip to San Francisco together with Johnny could ever have gone as planned - but he definitely hadn’t expected the whole thing to go sideways the moment they stepped into their hotel room, of all things. And yet...</p>
<p>“A double bed,” Johnny stated, eyes wide, and unceremoniously dumped his luggage on the floor. “I would have expected the double <em>room</em>, but this?” he indicated the offending piece of furniture with a sweeping motion, “that’s taking it a bit far, don’t you think?”</p>
<p>Roy shrugged. He hadn’t exactly had ‘being sent to San Francisco to compare notes with the local paramedics’ on his job bingo card, and hadn’t bothered with expectations at all. </p>
<p>“One of us will just have to take the couch,” he said. </p>
<p>“Sure ain’t gonna be me, I can tell you that, pally,” Johnny replied, with his best ‘this is ridiculous’-chuckle coloring his words. </p>
<p>“Surprise,” Roy muttered and walked over to the bed, pulling the coverlet aside and tugging on the blanket. He sighed. “And it’s got one of those big single blankets, too.”</p>
<p>“So one of us is gonna sleep on the couch without a blanket?” Johnny asked.</p>
<p>“We could use the coverlet…?”</p>
<p>Johnny looked between the massive thing and the narrow couch and laughed. “No way, that’ll slide off like butter.”</p>
<p>Roy knew that Johnny was, in all likelihood, right. He ran a hand over the coverlet - scratchy as all hell - and gave the couch a critical once-over. The cushions with the deep gaps between them looked like they were itching to eat a man whole. He <em>really</em> did not want to sleep on that couch. And while he was pretty confident that he could guilt Johnny into sleeping on it instead, he didn’t really want <em>him</em> to have to sleep on that hellish thing either… so really, there was only one acceptable solution. </p>
<p>“Hey, Johnny?” he asked. “Johnny, that bed is really wide, right? Way wider than our bunks. It’ll probably be fine if we just share the bed.”</p>
<p>Johnny stared at him like he’d lost his mind, almost comically so. It wasn’t quite his usual look of abject confusion, though - this one seemed more serious, the kind Johnny’d used to throw him back at the beginning of their friendship, back when he hadn’t yet been able to read Roy like a book. He swallowed heavily and just <em>looked</em> at Roy for a while, searching for heaven-knows-what in his eyes. Then, finally, he smiled, but it seemed unusually strained.</p>
<p>“Sure, yeah, that’s - that’s fine,” he stammered through another chuckle, but this one was clearly nervous as all get-out, “that’s perfectly - we can share the bed, of course we can share the bed, there’s - ‘s nothing to it, right?”</p>
<p>“... right,” Roy said, more than just a little confused by Johnny’s reaction.</p>
<p>“Nothin’ to it,” he heard Johnny mutter as they squared away their things and got ready to head back out, “oh boy.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>----</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Johnny spent the rest of the day being more than just a little distracted - on an intellectual level, he knew that none of this would be in any way a big deal. Nothing would happen between them. They’d be sleeping not much closer than they used to back at 51’s. Johnny had absolutely no reason to be this giddy about sleeping in the same bed as Roy. None. And yet, somehow, his traitorous body and his foolish heart seemed not to care at all, between the excited fluttering of his heartbeat and the skip in his step - which nearly sent him careening down a flight of stairs eventually, and he ended up clinging to the railing for dear life right in front of a flabbergasted Roy, who thankfully didn’t seem to connect that tumble with all the bedsharing talk from earlier. Small mercies, and all that.</p>
<p>But therein lay the issue, too - of course Roy wouldn’t draw a connection, why <em>should</em> he. After all, Roy was a married man who more than likely <em>wasn’t</em> horribly in love with his best friend whom he would be sharing a bed with in a couple of hours, probably lying awake until the next morning yearning for more, for <em>anything</em>.</p>
<p>Johnny was <em>fucked</em> - in every way but, alas, literally.</p>
<p>The next complication arose when they were back in their room getting ready for bed - apparently, Roy still slept in his underwear even off-duty and when there was really no good reason to - it was fairly cold out, at least by <em>their</em> standards, and the cold was seeping into their hotel room, too. Luggage space hadn’t been <em>that</em> limited, either, and they wouldn’t have to get dressed at top speed in the middle of the night like might’ve on duty, so really, Roy shuffling underneath the blanket - the <em>one</em> blanket they would be <em>sharing</em> - with his shapely legs and the light dusting of freckles across his shoulders and the occasional small blemish from one close call or another on full display was really just tremendously unfair, and Johnny couldn’t even complain about it without giving away his secret. Damn it. Damn it all.</p>
<p>Johnny considered following suit and leaving his plain grey pajamas at the bottom of his bag in a sort of petty, twisted kind of revenge - but that wouldn’t really work either, Roy actually had to care about his state of undress for that to be effective. Which would solve his whole entire problem in the first place. Life was just <em>really unfair</em> sometimes. </p>
<p>And of course, Roy somehow found a way to make it worse in the sweetest way possible.</p>
<p>“Johnny,” he said, voice full of concern, as Johnny stiffly climbed into bed, “you seem pretty tense. Are you alright?” and Johnny just barely resisted turning around and screaming into his pillow. Or sobbing. Who even knew at this point.</p>
<p>But as it were, he just sighed, muttered something to the effect of “yeah, sure, I’m perfectly fine, don’t even know what you’re talking about” and tried his damnedest to get comfortable. Roy threw him a long, lingering look - which didn’t exactly help, either - and then, after it looked like Johnny had settled, turned off the last remaining light.</p>
<p>Originally, Johnny had hoped he’d find some reprieve in the dark, with Roy safely hidden from view, but no, that clearly would’ve been too easy. And so, the curtains were too thin and the blinds were nonexistent and after his eyes had had a moment to adjust, the dim city lights filtering in through the fabric covering the windows was bright enough to see by, at least enough to make out Roy’s face across from his own in startling detail. </p>
<p>Johnny knew perfectly well that the smart thing to do would’ve been to turn around and look the other way, stare at the wall until he finally fell asleep, but he couldn’t bring himself to do that.</p>
<p>It’d been a while since they’d been promoted and subsequently transferred to their own stations, and while they remained friends and still saw each other at the very least once a week - usually more frequently, to the point where Joanne liked to joke that Johnny might as well move in with them already - it sure had been a while since Johnny had last slept in the same room with Roy, close enough to hear his steady breathing and take comfort in his quiet, familiar presence.</p>
<p>He'd missed that, he realized. Damn him, he'd missed that a <em>lot</em>.</p>
<p>And yet, that night Roy's presence didn't bring him the usual calm reassurance. Instead, he lay there for what seemed like hours, staring at Roy's relaxed, sleeping face and getting choked up by a particularly nasty and unusual mixture of nostalgia and yearning and a kind of bone-deep sadness crushing him into the mattress because everything he'd wanted for nearly a decade was lying there across from him once more, beautiful and perfect and so very close and so very familiar, and there was nothing Johnny could do. He couldn't even tell Roy that he loved him. And sure, he was maybe a little sad that he couldn't sidle over and ravish the man, but more than that he just desperately wished that he could tell Roy how he felt about him. He needed Roy to know, now more than ever, but as per usual that wasn't an option, and it never would be. </p>
<p>Johnny took a deep breath and was surprised when it hitched on something that felt too much like a sob, and his feeble attempts to bring his breathing back under control just made him feel more unsteady.</p>
<p>And then, because nothing in this godforsaken night could go as expected, Roy suddenly blinked at him with sleep-heavy eyes.</p>
<p>"Did you know that it's really hard to sleep when there's somebody staring at you?" he asked, voice a little rough and very quiet, and Johnny flinched.</p>
<p>Johnny could vaguely make out Roy examining him in the dark, taking in his tense shoulders and probably thoroughly miserable expression, before he turned on the dim little lamp on the nightstand. Johnny had the sudden urge to hide his face in his pillow and pretended that he had no idea what was going on, but he found that he couldn’t - he felt too weary to do much of anything, really, so he just stayed where he was and kept looking at Roy, slowly blinking into the sudden light.</p>
<p>And Roy, always just a little too attentive after all those years of trying to tell apart Johnny’s little grievances from his potentially life-threatening injuries, suddenly seemed a lot more awake. Finally, he reached over and put a warm, gentle, calloused hand against Johnny’s face, and Johnny barely had the mental faculties left to not nuzzle into the touch too obviously, but didn’t quite manage to stifle his surprised little gasp.</p>
<p>Roy raised an eyebrow and slid his hand a little lower, until he had two fingers against the side of his neck and was feeling his pulse.</p>
<p>“Johnny,” he said, his voice sober and serious yet still rough with sleep, “your pulse is racing. What’s wrong? And don’t you dare say ‘nothing’ because you’ve been acting really weird all day long and it’s clearly <em>not nothing</em>.”</p>
<p>So of course, the first words out of Johnny’s mouth were “but really Roy, it’s nothing,” before a <em>very</em> stern look reminded him that he wouldn’t get away with that this time.</p>
<p>“I’ve just… I’ve just been thinking,” he finally amended.</p>
<p>“That must’ve been some thoughts alright,” Roy muttered darkly.</p>
<p>“No. Yes. Just…” Johnny could feel himself blushing profusely and he hoped that it was too dark to tell, but there was something about Roy’s face inches from his own and the city lights creeping in through the window and mingling with the dim yellow light of the bedside lamp and the intimacy of it all that made him blurt out the truth - or at least a tiny, harmless sliver of it. “It’s just that I’ve missed you.”</p>
<p>Whatever Roy had expected - indigestion? Nightmares? who knew - this clearly wasn’t it.</p>
<p>“But Johnny,” he said, “we see each other all the time.”</p>
<p>“Yeah. ‘S not the same, though. At night, next to each other like this… well, it’s been a while. Weird thing to miss, I guess, but if you sleep next to the same person for that long, I guess you just get used to-”</p>
<p>And at that point, Roy ‘hmm’ed and put his hand back against Johnny’s face and Johnny, who hadn’t been expecting it, sighed and leaned into it before he even realized what was happening.</p>
<p>“Somehow,” Roy said, “I get the feeling that you’re still not quite telling me the whole story.”</p>
<p>There was a tinge of nervousness to Roy’s words that Johnny didn’t quite notice at the time - all that went through his head was something along the lines of “oh my god, he knows, how does he <em>know</em>” but Roy’s hand was still gently cupping Johnny’s face, his thumb stroking his cheekbone, and, well, it was nearly impossible to be afraid like that.</p>
<p>“What difference would it make?” Johnny asked, and even he was aware that his voice sounded traitorously choked.</p>
<p>“Maybe none,” Roy replied, “maybe <em>all</em> the difference. Especially if-” and even Johnny in his compromised state could tell that Roy was nervous now - nervous or, more likely, scared out of his wits - “especially if it involves you feeling the same way about me as I feel about you.”</p>
<p>And Johnny had thought that this night couldn't possibly throw him another curveball. And sure, there’d been times over the years - <em>plenty</em> of times - where he’d felt a small glimmer of hope that his feelings might not be entirely unrequited, but he’d never seriously thought that something would come of it, after all these years.</p>
<p>“How… how <em>do</em> you feel about me, then?” he asked after what felt like an eternity of silence, too damn exhausted to be brave and take risks and make the first move.</p>
<p>“Well, you know…” Roy muttered, his face so close to Johnny’s that he could feel the little puff of air that came with it, and when exactly had they gotten so close to each other, anyway?</p>
<p>“Are ya gonna kiss me?” Johnny finally asked after the suspense became too much to bear, bravery be damned and his voice was shaking and he <em>hated</em> how insecure he sounded, but he was so ridiculously out of his depth and this was such a turning point that he was glad he’d gotten the words out at all.</p>
<p>“Do you want me to?” Roy asked, very quietly.</p>
<p>“Yes. Oh god, yes.”</p>
<p>And Roy hesitated for just a moment and then he closed the gap between them, and suddenly his lips were against Johnny’s, and Johnny was sure he’d fallen asleep at some point because this couldn’t be real, not after all these years of yearning and dreaming of more, dreaming of these lips against his and Roy’s hands roaming his body and…</p>
<p>Johnny was kissing him back, and he was pretty sure he wasn’t doing a great job of it because for all his bluster about his mythical sex life he didn’t really get around to kissing all that often, and more importantly, while he was pretty sure he was an alright kisser at least, this was <em>Roy</em> he was kissing and that was <em>monumental </em>and <em>important</em> and he was absolutely determined to get it right, and according to Roy, he usually blundered whenever he was trying too hard - but Roy’s lips were warm and strangely familiar against his and that was alright, they’d navigated more complex things together than first kisses, no matter <em>how</em> monumental.</p>
<p>And then Roy brought his hand back to the side of Johnny’s face and slid it over so it was cupping the back of his neck with gentle, calloused fingers, grounding him, and <em>oh</em>.</p>
<p>Johnny drew back just a little, just enough to get a clear look at Roy’s face, speechless and breathless with his lips still slightly parted and his blue eyes very dark in the dim light and he looked <em>amazing</em> like that and Johnny’d called a <em>lot</em> of people ‘amazing’ over the years but he’d never <em>meant it </em>quite like he did now, and so he leaned in again and kissed him some more. Roy’s hand slid up a little and into Johnny’s hair, and normally he wasn’t overly fond of people doing that but apparently it was a whole ‘nother story if Roy was the one doing it, and, really, Johnny had never been less surprised.</p>
<p>And then a thought crossed Johnny’s mind - one that wasn’t related to how damn nice it was to have Roy’s lips against his and Roy’s hand on the back of his head and his body close enough to Roy’s to feel the warmth he was putting off.</p>
<p>Johnny pulled back again and this time the warm flutter of affection and a considerable amount of plain ol’ physical attraction was overcome by the far less welcome sinking feeling of fear. </p>
<p>“Roy,” he quietly muttered, half against his partner’s lips and probably not very convincing, “I don’t think we should…”</p>
<p>“But why not?” Roy asked. “There’s nobody but us here, nobody will ever know-”</p>
<p>“But Joanne-”</p>
<p>“-doesn’t have to <em>know</em>. And besides, this is - this is <em>different</em>.”</p>
<p>“Different?” Johnny asked, and they were still way too close to be having this discussion, but he just couldn’t bring himself to pull away. </p>
<p>“I’d never be doing this with anybody else,” Roy said, and he, too, wasn’t moving back, “but we’ve been through so much together - we’ve saved each other’s lives a hundred times over, I passed up promotions for you, I spent a third of my time with you for the better part of a decade - more than that, really, given how much of our time off we spent together as well - the feelings I’ve had for you… I don’t think this is really the most intimate thing we’ve ever done.”</p>
<p>“D’you think she’d feel the same way about that?” Johnny asked quietly, and he couldn’t believe <em>he</em> was being the sane, rational one arguing for monogamy here, given the way he’d spent so many years looking for a sign, <em>any</em> sign, that Roy might potentially be interested in people who <em>weren’t</em> Joanne, for purely selfish reasons.</p>
<p>“It’s past midnight,” Roy replied dryly, “I can’t exactly call her and ask.”</p>
<p>“Look, I don’t think the time of day is your biggest issue there, pally,” Johnny interjected and was promptly ignored.</p>
<p> “And besides,” Roy calmly continued instead, echoing Johnny’s thoughts from earlier, “funny that <em>you</em> should be the one calling me out on this, after insisting that I was trying to cheat on her with every pretty lady looking my way for most of our partnership.”</p>
<p>Johnny sighed. “I hope you’re not expecting me to talk you out of this, because I’m running dangerously low on arguments here.”</p>
<p>Roy smiled at him, a wistful, forlorn sort of smile that tugged at Johnny’s heartstrings and utterly smashed any reservations he might have had.</p>
<p>“Just one night,” Roy said. “It’s not much, it’s not nearly enough, but we can have one night. There’s nobody here but us, nobody has to know.”</p>
<p>“What happens in Frisco stays in Frisco, huh?” Johnny asked with a sad little chuckle.</p>
<p>“I think that’s Vegas, usually,” Roy replied, a note of amusement in his quiet voice.</p>
<p>“Yes, well, you didn’t wanna go to Vegas.”</p>
<p>Roy made a little noise, somewhere between a laugh and a sigh, and Johnny just looked at him and knew that, as much as he would’ve wanted to do the right thing, his mind had been made up from the second Roy’d suggested it.</p>
<p>And heaven knew how much of a terrible idea it was - one night, one chance to find out just what they’d been missing, and then he’d have to go back to his lonely little life and pretend that he was okay, that nothing had happened, that his life hadn’t changed in the most terribly beautiful way, knowing that this was <em>it</em>, that this was all he was ever going to get, and he knew how painful that would be, how utterly and completely it would ruin him, that he would never really get over it… but he knew just as well that there was no way he could ever have resisted, because he’d been wanting this too much for too long and Roy, as much as he would’ve liked to pretend otherwise, was the love of his life and he was just too weak and too foolish and too <em>stupid</em> to know what was best for himself. He’d end up miserable, he knew he would, and he’d never wanted anything more in his life.</p>
<p>“Okay,” Johnny whispered, so quiet it was barely audible, “okay.” And then: “Did you have anything in mind?”</p>
<p>And now it was Roy’s turn to be flustered and out of his depth, but he caught himself quickly. His hand was back in Johnny’s hair, his thumb gently caressing his nape, and Johnny would’ve been almost content to spend the rest of the night like that. Now <em>quite</em>, now that there was the possibility of getting to do more than that, but even this little moment of intimacy would’ve been enough. </p>
<p>“... we, uh, we can do whatever seems right at the moment,” Roy stammered, and Johnny figured that Roy was probably just as clueless as Johnny himself. Most likely more so, really. At least Johnny had years and years of fantasies to go on, and maybe a glance at an incriminating magazine or two. He didn’t think Roy would fantasize. Neither about bedroom stuff, nor about much of anything else… but that was fine. They’d be fine. And damn, Johnny hadn’t expected <em>that</em> bit of certainty to hit him as hard as it did, but he suddenly sharply realized that he usually didn’t particularly trust the people he slept with - or didn’t sleep with the people he trusted. Though, given that <em>that</em> illustrious group of people mostly just consisted of 51’s former A shift, that was probably for the best.</p>
<p>“And now what?” Johnny asked, a smile playing around his lips, and he was just being facetious now, but he really wanted to see what Roy would do - even though he might’ve had a plan of his own. Or two. Or two dozen. But there would be time for those, he hoped, later.</p>
<p>“And now,” Roy said with a smile of his own, “we’re going to make up for lost time.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Cue the wistful bittersweet hotel room sex.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm back, and I brought you some smut! I've also read and absolutely adored all the super lovely comments on the last chapter; I'll go back and reply to all of them over the next few days but I've spent basically every ounce of spare time I had on this since I posted the first chapter, so I didn't get around to it yet. This chapter probably wouldn't exist without all of you though, so there ya go you lovely people you.</p><p>I also finished the first draft of this (on my typewriter as per usual) about four hours ago and basically worked 'til now to get it typed up, edited and posted (why did I not give it more time? Because A) I've been nervous about this thing since I decided to write it because I've never tried to write smut before and I need this to be Done, and B) I was bribed with getting to read an upcoming fic); it should be nice and finished regardless but if I missed a typo somewhere or something, feel free to tell me.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Roy still couldn’t believe any of this was actually happening. He’d fallen for Johnny pretty much the instant he’d first laid eyes on the man, all sincere, sad brown eyes and guarded gestures that had tugged at his heartstrings even then. It had taken him a while to admit that to himself, but not as long as it had taken him to notice that his feelings might not have been entirely unrequited, and even <em>that</em> hadn’t taken nearly as long as finally finding a moment to actually bring it up. Extremely bluntly. In bed. Right next to Johnny. He really did have more luck than sense. It had worked out in the end, though, so he wasn’t going to judge himself too harshly - especially not since he still had his hand in Johnny’s hair, ridiculously soft as it was, and Johnny was still melting into the touch as if he’d been waiting for it almost as long as Roy had, and there was something so vulnerable about him that it almost scared Roy, like he was going to shatter.</p><p>He moved his hand down again until it cupped Johnny’s cheek and held it there, felt Johnny nuzzle into it once more.</p><p>“Hey Johnny,” he said quietly. “Look at me for a moment, yeah?”</p><p>Johnny’s brown eyes found Roy’s blue ones, pupils blown wide, and he was beautiful like this, more so than usual, and sometimes Roy wished that Johnny had just been a little bit less heartbreakingly beautiful because maybe then he wouldn’t have had to spend a good chunk of his life yearning for something so utterly unattainable, but then again maybe Johnny’s personality would’ve been enough to get him into trouble anyway, and in the end that entire train of thought was an exercise in futility anyway. </p><p>Johnny was still looking at him, waiting for him to do something, say something, and Roy gathered his remaining mental faculties. </p><p>“It’s just…” he said. “If I do something you’re not comfortable with, you’ll tell me, alright?”</p><p>And Johnny just tilted his head and squinted at him and said “listen, Roy, I love, uh - love how concerned you are for my well-being, but please, for crying out loud, <em>get to it</em>.”</p><p>“Impatient, are we,” Roy muttered, but he was smiling all the while.</p><p>“I’ve been damned patient for years now,” Johnny muttered, and that sounded more serious than Roy’s light teasing, and Roy was vaguely aware that this meant something important, but Johnny was still glowering at him - well, pouting, really - and he decided he’d figure it out later, he really did have more important things do be doing.</p><p>Johnny’s eyes tracked his movements as he got to his knees and scooted over a little until he had one arm to each side of Johnny’s shoulders and then he bent back down and put his lips back to Johnny’s again, a hand creeping down between them towards Johnny’s pajama buttons. He felt more than he heard Johnny’s slight intake of breath as his partner realized what Roy was doing, and that was nice - even though he promptly ended up struggling when he realized that Johnny’s pajamas buttoned the opposite way from Joanne’s. Sartorial differences between men’s and women’s clothing definitely hadn’t been among the challenges he’d have expected that night, but he managed anyway, even though it wasn’t quite as smooth as he was used to.</p><p>Johnny didn’t seem to notice, anyway, too busy kissing Roy back like his life depended on it, one hand resting feather-light on the back of his head, like Johnny wasn’t entirely sure if he was allowed to touch him but desperately needed something to hang on to. Roy could feel his fingers twitch a little against his scalp as he finished unbuttoning the pajama top and slid a gentle hand across the newly exposed skin. He pulled back a little until he could see Johnny’s face, and Johnny slowly blinked at him, reddened lips slightly parted, still so vulnerable, so totally unguarded, and if Roy hadn’t been absolutely determined to make it worth Johnny’s time anyway, he sure as hell would’ve been <em>now</em>, eager to take Johnny’s beautiful, unquestioning trust and turn it into something breathtaking. </p><p>He gave Johnny a last quick kiss on the lips - he just looked way too tempting not to - and then slowly moved downward, gently mouthing along Johnny’s jawline and throat while very, very lightly running his fingers across Johnny’s shoulders and along his sides.The dual sensations were rewarded with a shaky breath from Johnny and his fingers, still on the back of Roy’s head, tightened instinctively before he noticed and hesitantly untangled his hand from Roy’s hair. Roy considered telling him that he could leave it there if he wanted, but in the end it ended up exactly where it had been before mere moments later anyway when Roy splayed a hand against Johnny’s flank, low enough that this pinkie slid under the waistband of his pajama bottoms.</p><p>Roy tugged his finger free and, still very gently, dragged his hand over the noticeably tented front of Johnny’s pants instead, and Johnny gasped noiselessly before slapping his free hand over his mouth.</p><p>And then Johnny was moving slightly upward and Roy looked at him, puzzled, as his partner crept halfway up the headboard.</p><p>“What is it?” he asked.</p><p>“Nothin’,” Johnny replied, his voice barely above a whisper, “just -” he finished adjusting his position, now half-sitting against the wood of the bed frame - “I just wanna see…”</p><p>“Oh,” Roy replied, “okay.”</p><p>And then, because he really could be a bit of a sneaky bastard no matter what Johnny thought, he nudged Johnny’s legs apart a bit, situated himself between them, waited until he was sure he had Johnny’s full attention, and then mouthed at his still-clothed cock. </p><p>Johnny, who clearly hadn’t expected that at all, threw his head back with a strangled gasp, and cracked it smartly against the headboard.</p><p>“Oops,” Roy remarked with a grin, before adding a substantially more sincere “you okay, Johnny?”</p><p>“‘M fine,” Johnny muttered. “Don’t mind me, just… go on.”</p><p>Roy moved to bend down again just to pause and look up at Johnny, catching his absolutely transfixed look. “You sure?” he asked.</p><p>The scandalized, half-whispered, half-hissed “Roy!” he got in return was priceless.</p><p>Truthfully, though, Roy was nervous. Well and truly nervous. He was pretty sure he was actually halfway decent in bed - after all, Joanne and he’d experimented a few times before they’d gotten married, and she’d still been eager to get hitched - and he’d never done things half-assedly and seven years of pining was plenty of time to think and he’d done his research anyway, even before Johnny had stumbled into his life, and once his research had even gotten rather hands-on with one of the swimmers from a rivaling school and he couldn’t even remember the guy’s name, but then again that had been the point for both of them.</p><p>Either way, Roy knew what he was doing. At least sorta. At least enough to know the mechanics of it all. But this was Johnny, and nothing was ever easy where Johnny was concerned, and he was out of his depth, not so much because Johnny was a man, he’d come to terms with that a long time ago, but because Johnny was Johnny, and despite how easy Johnny was to read under normal circumstances, this was different, this was unknown territory, and he just wasn’t sure-</p><p>“Roy?” Johnny asked and he was sounding sorta insecure now, and that <em>really</em> hadn't been his intention, “you know you don’t have to-”</p><p>“Johnny, that’s not - <em>no</em>. I was just thinking.”</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>“I want you. I do. I just… I want to make sure I do the best job I can. Just… just trust me here, okay?”</p><p>A tiny little quirk of Johnny’s lips.</p><p>“Roy, I’m kinda trusting you a lot right now, you realize that, right?”</p><p>“Ha, yeah, I guess so.”</p><p>“Good, because that’s kinda - actually kinda special, you know, and I don’t usually…”</p><p>He didn’t finish that sentence, but Roy was pretty sure he got the idea, and he didn’t like it one bit - but he couldn’t really expect to unravel all of Johnny’s shitty sex attitudes in one single night - which, according to himself, meant that he’d never get to unravel them at all. Well, shit, he didn’t know if he’d be able to stick to that, and Johnny was still so vulnerable there in front of him, and Roy suddenly realized that there was no way in hell he’d ever get over this, that he’d be living the rest of his life with this night seared into his very being, and that was a steep price to pay, but one that was worth it. Maybe he should have been more sorry for ruining them, for ruining them both, but he just couldn’t. Johnny was lying there in front of him, as beautiful as he’d ever been, clear brown eyes fixed on his blue ones and searching for validation and safety and Roy had never been less sorry for anything.</p><p>He bent down again and mouthed at Johnny’s still-clothed cock once more and Johnny still didn’t make a sound but Roy could hear his breath hitch and stutter, which was both immensely satisfying and made him yearn for <em>more</em>. He wanted to hear Johnny come apart under his hands and his mouth, he wanted to feel him shiver and tremble, he wanted to-</p><p>His plans were temporarily foiled by Johnny’s pajama pants - he’d originally planned to just pull them down a bit, then promptly accidentally knelt on them, snapping Johnny’s legs together and nearly toppling on top of his partner, and then gotten a bit tangled while trying to get them off entirely without moving away too far, until Johnny was laughing at him and, still giggling, pulled them off himself with a quiet “here, let me -” and that was a bit embarrassing, sure, and didn’t quite leave the suave impression Roy had been aiming for, but at least Johnny seemed a lot more at ease now, and it was hard to be truly embarrassed when somebody was looking at you with such fondness and laughter dancing in their eyes, so that was alright.</p><p>And then there he was, mostly naked before Roy, and Roy was equally determined and anxious and just a little bit out of his depth still, but he knew what he wanted to do, he just needed to figure out how to not screw it up.</p><p>In the end, he moved upward again, leaving one knee between Johnny’s legs, close enough to serve as a constant reminder of his presence. And then he spent a few minutes just… exploring. Letting his hands roam across Johnny’s skin, gently touching, from the dip over his collar bones down to the graceful swoop of his hip bones with hands and mouth and occasionally glancing up at his face to gauge his reactions - which was much more difficult than he’d ever expected, because Johnny barely made a sound even as he struggled increasingly to keep his breathing steady and even as his head tilted back and his eyes fluttered shut of their own account until Johnny managed to force them open again because apparently Johnny’s ‘I wanna see’ had been a bit of an understatement and he was drinking it all in like he was trying to commit every second and Roy’s every move to memory in as much detail as he could muster, and <em>oh</em>, yeah, that made sense. It sure as hell didn’t explain his silence though, and Roy really hadn’t expected it, completely unused to Johnny being silent at all unless something was going horribly wrong, but he also didn’t want to bring it up to Johnny, a bit worried about what he’d unearth and unwilling to ruin the mood when Johnny seemed to be having a good time otherwise, so he figured he’d make do.</p><p>He was busy nipping gentle kisses along Johnny’s thoat, one hand splayed across his ribs, thumb idly playing with his nipple, when Johnny suddenly groaned “Roy, c’mon, stop being such a tease, <em>please</em>, you’re killin’ me here.”</p><p>Johnny’s voice sounded absolutely wrecked, even as he still refused to raise it above a half-whisper, and Roy looked up again, reveled in the flush across Johnny’s cheekbones, and his liquid half-lidded look, eyes dark like wells, and his lower lip all puffy from where Johnny had been biting at it, one slender hand gripping the discarded blanket and hanging onto it for dear life, and Roy idly wondered how many of Johnny’s girlfriends had ever seen him like that, because he couldn’t imagine anyone dumping him after laying eyes on <em>that</em>.</p><p>“Okay, okay,” Roy muttered, because how could he ever have said no?</p><p>And this was the part Roy had been most nervous about, because he’d tried it a grand total of once and probably hadn’t been <em>that</em> good at it, but, really, he was pretty sure it’d be worth it in the end, if Johnny reacted like Roy hoped he would.</p><p>And so, he bent down and threw Johnny a sly look - caught his eye and actually winked at him - before carefully sliding his lips over Johnny’s cock and curling his tongue to hit that spot right underneath the head.</p><p>And Johnny <em>moaned</em>, whole-heartedly, before flinching and pressing his hand over his mouth, stifling the rest of it. Roy could feel him shaking, his breath stuttering. He repeated the motion, and was rewarded with more muffled noises from behind Johnny’s hand, before he regained enough control to fall back into his previous silence. It was a huge shame, really - that moan had been one of the most erotic things Roy had ever heard, and he’d have done just about anything to hear it again.</p><p>The next long moment passed in near-complete silence, and Roy was in equal measures disappointed and impressed - until Johnny suddenly gasped for air and Roy realized he must’ve been holding his breath to keep the noise down, and <em>that</em> was getting a bit silly, really. </p><p>He lifted his head off of Johnny’s cock, enough to look him in the eyes instead.</p><p>“w- whu-” Johnny stammered helplessly.</p><p>“Johnny,” Roy said, “I’m pretty sure the rooms next to ours are empty, you don’t have to be afraid that anyone will hear us.”</p><p>Johnny just blinked at him until Roy’s words slowly filtered through the haze of arousal. </p><p>“But what- what if someone hears anyway?” Johnny asked. “There’s always a chance that somebody might, no matter how alone you think you are. And even if nobody does, it’s not - it’s embarrassing.”</p><p>Roy barely resisted rolling his eyes - for crying out loud, he hadn’t wanted to start an entire discussion about this. And yet, he wasn’t willing to let it go, either.</p><p>“So, do you expect all your partners to be perfectly silent as well or what...?” </p><p>“Roy, I - this is just really unfair, and can we please have that discussion later or something because I <em>really</em> want you to get back to what you were doing just now-”</p><p>And at least that was a clear statement. Roy idly brushed a thumb across the inside of Johnny’s thigh and watched his eyes flutter shut.</p><p>“Fine, but I’d love to hear you if you’re comfortable with that.”</p><p>And Johnny didn’t make any promises, but at least he nodded jerkily, which was more than Roy had expected, so he figured he’d get bold and added “and if you need something to do with your hands that doesn’t involve stifling noises, having them on me earlier was actually really nice, you could do that some more.”</p><p>Johnny looked surprised, and it took Roy a moment to realize that it probably hadn’t been “being touched while having sex is good, actually” that did it, but Roy telling Johnny exactly what he wanted, and between that and Johnny’s hesitation to make any kind of noise, maybe him getting dumped all the time despite how spectacularly gorgeous he was in bed made some kind of sense after all. Heck, Roy was a master at understanding Johnny and trusted him with his life, and he still felt more than a little out of his depth, like he was supposed to read Johnny’s mind or something, so he couldn’t even begin to imagine what a near-stranger like Johnny’s constantly changing girlfriends would have to put up with.</p><p>And then Johnny’s hand softly crept onto the back of Roy’s head, and Johnny’s look turned questioning and so Roy smiled up at him and murmured “you’re doing great” and Johnny’s breath stuttered again like he was stifling some sort of noise, and wasn’t <em>that</em> interesting… and it was really just a hunch and Roy wasn’t used to talking as a part of sex beyond the necessary communication, but he figured Johnny needing some confirmation that he was doing okay made perfect sense. It was worth a try, anyway. </p><p>Roy changed positions until he had a hand wrapped around Johnny’s cock instead, and the angle was clumsy and felt awkward as hell, but he needed his mouth free and besides, if he was right the trade-off was more than worth it.</p><p>“I’ve been waiting so long to touch you like this,” Roy said quietly, almost reverently, and Johnny shuddered under his hands.</p><p>“Yeah?” he asked breathlessly, and licked his lips. </p><p>“Yeah,” Roy echoed, his voice low and rough, “and every second of it was worth the wait.”</p><p>He punctuated the last word with a well-placed stroke of his hand, and was rewarded with a sound somewhere between a moan and a gasp. Johnny’s eyes flew open and he looked at Roy, and even without words, the question in that look - “was that okay? You sure that’s what you wanted?” - was clear as day, and Roy was all too happy to answer it. He kept his hand where it was, but crept back up until he could gently nip at Johnny’s collarbone again.</p><p>“Incredible,” he mouthed against Johnny’s flushed, sweat-slick skin, and kept slowly jacking him until Johnny gave up on watching and slid down the headboard, his head awkwardly tilted off the back of the pillow exposing his throat, and he full-on moaned and threw his arm across his face like he sometimes did when he was sleeping, as if he was trying to block out everything else and just focus on hearing and feeling, and Roy felt like he’d just solved one of the great mysteries of the universe or something as he kept whispering sweet nothings to his partner - and every word of it true, of course, or Johnny would’ve called him on his nonsense immediately - and kept jacking him off, almost gently, while his other hand kept roaming Johnny’s body, <em>definitely</em> gently, and it was really as basic and simple as it got, and that made sense, too, so he kept at it until Johnny came - quietly, aside from his stuttering breath. Old habits, Roy supposed, and Johnny’s sheepish look showed that he’d noticed as well, but that was fine, Roy would never forget the way Johnny had arched into his touch, or the look on his face, and that was enough.</p><p>“Was that okay for you?” he asked after a while.</p><p>“<em>Okay</em>?” Johnny rasped, voice shaking, “I’m gonna travel back in time and do that seven years ago.”</p><p>“I’ll take that as a yes,” Roy replied, barely biting down on a chuckle.</p><p>Johnny made a vaguely affirmative noise before snapping upright.</p><p>“Oh damn it,” he hissed, and Roy nearly jumped, startled, “we probably stained the sheets.”</p><p>And Johnny was probably right, and Roy knew this should’ve maybe bothered him, but he was still, frankly, way too horny to care.</p><p>“I’m sure nobody will notice,” he said hopefully, and then sighed when Johnny fished a crumpled tissue from somewhere within the pile of discarded clothes next to the bed and did some rudimentary clean-up. Johnny threw him one of his patented little sideways glances, beautifully arched eyebrow and all, and then the look grew mischievous, a positively devilish little smile playing around his graceful lips. He tossed the tissue aside and turned around to face Roy fully, raked his eyes over Roy’s sparsely clothed body. </p><p>“You know,” he said sweetly, “I think I would’ve had a better solution to that particular problem.” </p><p>“Oh yeah?”</p><p>“Yeah. In fact, I’d love to show you exactly what I mean,” Johnny replied, his voice dropping into such an exaggeratedly suggestive cadence that Roy almost laughed, but something about Johnny’s bonelessly relaxed posture and goofy little smile and the dim lamplight catching on the edges of his face and body made it almost embarrassingly effective anyway. Fuck, he was screwed - and he wouldn’t have had it any other way.</p><p>Roy’s half-moaned “whatever you want, Johnny,” maybe wasn’t particularly subtle, but it seemed to get the point across pretty well. </p><p>Johnny’s look turned a little wistful as he crept closer, and started tugging at Roy’s undershirt.</p><p>“I don’t think there’s a way for me to get what I really want,” Johnny said, so quietly that Roy wasn’t sure if he’d been supposed to hear it at all, “but this is the next best thing.”</p><p>The undershirt was tossed to the side and the boxers quickly followed suit, and Roy suddenly felt just a little inadequate - he was comfortable enough with his own body, sure, but he wasn’t beautiful like the chicks Johnny was usually making eyes at - and he was very grateful for that, really - and he didn’t think he was beautiful in that almost delicate way Johnny was, either, but Johnny sure didn’t seem to care - he just smiled at Roy, an easy, loose, lopsided kind of smile, something a bit too much like real love dancing softly in his light brown eyes. </p><p>He just kept <em>looking</em> for a bit, gaze wandering over Roy’s form until he was tempted to suck in his stomach and square his shoulders, but Johnny looked like he’d never seen a prettier thing in his life regardless, and Roy couldn’t believe he’d used to be quietly jealous of the way Johnny had looked at all those pretty nurses and stewardesses and whatnot, because there was such fondness in his look now that Roy felt like the most precious thing on earth, and <em>they</em> could’ve <em>never</em> - and then Johnny bent down and nudged Roy’s forehead with his own and gave Roy a short peck on the lips, and he was still smiling, Roy could feel it against his mouth, and then, slowly, very slowly, he slunk further downward, his hands trailing his mouth down to Roy’s chest and then further down yet, with a singlemindedness that Roy found utterly intriguing. </p><p>Johnny, determined and focused, was a force of nature, throwing himself into his task so fully that it became difficult to imagine him ever having done something else, and being at the center of that intense focus was exhilarating, like standing on a rock amidst crashing waves, surrounded by something bigger than himself, but Johnny’s eyes were still soft and full of love and maybe just a little bit insecure - scratch that, nervous as hell was probably more like it given the way he kept glancing up at Roy, constantly checking his reaction and searching for approval, utterly determined to do a good job, make it worth Roy’s while, as if he hadn’t <em>always</em> been.</p><p>By the time Johnny had worked his way down to Roy’s groin, Roy was seriously concerned about how long he’d last under the gentle ministrations of Johnny’s lips and the careful touch of graceful fingers. And then, Johnny looked up at him, caught his gaze, made very sure that Roy was looking at him and giving him his full attention, and then he slowly, sensuously, slid his lips over Roy’s cock, deeper down than Roy had thought reasonable. Roy barely managed to keep his hips still, not really expecting Johnny to be able to deal with that amount of motion, but even just his cock twitching in arousal was enough to trip Johnny up and make him sputter as he pulled off and caught his breath. That was fine, though, his point had been made, and going by Johnny’s self-satisfied look as he bent back down, setting a more leisurely pace now, he seemed to be perfectly aware of that.</p><p>Roy had kept his right leg propped up, and he couldn’t help but notice that Johnny was right up against it, searching for any contact he could get even while he continued to suck Roy off, a bit jerkily and hesitant, clearly not very practiced, but with enough enthusiasm and creativity to make up for it, not to mention that he looked incredible like that, almost ethereal with his long lashes throwing shadows across high cheekbones in the warm light of the bedside lamp.</p><p>Roy brought his hands down, one of them gripping the sheets like Johnny had done earlier, the other hovering over the back of Johnny’s head.</p><p>“Is this okay for you?” Roy asked and gently put his hand into Johnny’s hair, loosely enough to not impede his movement. Johnny hummed affirmatively, not even bothering to pull his mouth off of Roy’s cock, and Roy was seeing stars for a bit, barely hanging on to his composure. Good god, that man was going to be the death of him. </p><p>Johnny was also, apparently, a quick study - Roy was trying to keep his hips still as much as he could to make things a bit easier for Johnny and let him set the pace, but after a certain point, they were twitching whether he wanted it or not and there was fuck-all he could do about it. And so, Johnny brought his hands to Roy’s hips and held him steady, before he pulled off of Roy’s cock with an utterly obscene ‘pop’ and simply asked “alright?”, his voice very quiet, barely above a whisper, and Roy would probably never get over how unexpected that subdued silence was, but he figured that Johnny always got quiet when things were really serious, so it made sense in a way.</p><p>“That’s fine,” he groaned in reply, “more than fine, really, that’s - that’s, uh…” he trailed off and groaned as Johnny picked up exactly where he’d left off. “You’re doing so, so good,” he added for good measure, his voice shaking, “<em>so</em> good, I-” and then Johnny did something with his tongue that put a swift end to Roy’s attempts at pillow talk, and he ended that sentence with another groan, so utterly filthy it’d have made <em>Joanne</em> blush. He actually <em>felt</em> Johnny chuckle, lips still wrapped around his cock, and almost came right then and there. </p><p>And even as it was, he knew he wouldn’t last for much longer, no matter how much he needed this to go on all night long. He did the polite thing and tried to warn Johnny, but his partner just lifted his head a little, whispered “remember what I said earlier?” and ducked his head back down again. He did that thing with his tongue once more, and Roy barely had enough time to moan “Johnny, I-” before he came, Johnny’s name on his lips, his hand in Johnny’s hair, and stars behind his eyes. </p><p>And Johnny? Johnny pulled off just a little and kept his mouth wrapped around the head of Roy’s cock, his hand curling around the rest of his length, and it took Roy a moment or two to comprehend that Johnny was <em>swallowing</em> and holy <em>fuck</em>.</p><p>Johnny came back up a few moments later, unbearably - no, <em>rightfully </em>- smug, and quietly said “told you I wasn’t gonna leave a mess.”</p><p>Roy just stared at him for a moment, trying to make his muddled mind comprehend what had happened, which apparently took him long enough to make Johnny’s insecurities flare up.</p><p>“10-4?” Johnny asked, sounding worried and utterly out of his depth.</p><p>“Johnny, 10-4 doesn’t even begin to describe that,” Roy replied, voice not nearly as steady as he’d have liked. “That was - wow.”</p><p>Johnny’s whole face lit up at that, and he grinned. </p><p>“Right,” he said, “I’m gonna go get a glass of water, and maybe you’ll be able to sing my praises more coherently by the time I get back.”</p><p>And with that, he nimbly climbed off the bed and vanished in the direction of the bathroom with a jaunty little wave, still bare-ass naked like the terrible tease he was. </p><p>Johnny wasn’t gone for quite long enough to gather his wits completely, but at least he was present enough to notice that Johnny’s posture and expression had changed considerably as he stepped back into the room - the confident tease had vanished, and now Johnny just looked lost more than anything. He quietly padded over to the bed, pulled his pajamas from the tangled sheets and got dressed in silence, hands fumbling with the buttons, never quite meeting Roy’s gaze. </p><p>“Johnny?” Roy finally asked with a mounting sense of dread. “Is everything okay?”</p><p>Johnny shrugged.</p><p>“Did I do something you weren’t okay with?”</p><p>“No, no, not at all,” Johnny replied, quiet and subdued. “The sex was brilliant, <em>you</em> were brilliant, I just…” he paused and shrugged again, before looking over at Roy, sighing, and picking his shirt and boxers up from the floor and tossing them over to him.</p><p>“You just… what?” Roy asked while clumsily dragging himself back into his underwear.</p><p>“I just don’t know if I can go back to sleeping on the opposite side of the bed now, right after this, and pretend like nothing ever happened.”</p><p>Roy emerged from the collar of his undershirt with tousled hair and a quizzical expression. </p><p>“That wasn’t really my plan,” he said. </p><p>Johnny seemed confused by that more than anything.</p><p>“Isn’t it a bit early for round two?” he asked casually, and Roy spluttered.</p><p>“Uh, it definitely is,” he agreed. “That’s a question for tomorrow morning if you want to. No, but what I mean was that I’d hoped we’d be sleeping closer together than on opposite sides of the bed. A <em>lot</em> closer.”</p><p>“You want to <em>cuddle</em>?” Johnny asked incredulously.</p><p>“Your words, not mine.”</p><p>“Isn’t that a bit… you know, tacky?”</p><p>Roy rolled his eyes, even though Johnny probably couldn’t see it in the dim light. </p><p>“After all of this, you’re afraid of physical affection being <em>tacky</em>?” he asked. “Who do you think is even going to judge.”</p><p>“Well, yeah, that’s true, but…”</p><p>“Do you <em>want </em>to? You seemed to enjoy being touched and, correct me if I’m wrong, but you seem to like that even outside of the bedroom, so I think it’d do you some good.”</p><p>Roy could basically <em>see</em> two opposite thoughts waging war in Johnny’s mind - the epic battle of “touch-starved? Me? How <em>dare</em> you” versus “oh god yes please hold me”. And then, the latter won out and Johnny’s shoulders drooped as he sighed deeply.</p><p>“Yeah,” he said very quietly, “that sounds nice, actually.”</p><p>“I thought so, too,” Roy said, before adding: “C’mere, then.”</p><p>Johnny climbed into bed and settled in, his back against Roy’s chest, and Roy could feel him shiver at the unaccustomed contact, could feel years of tension dropping off those slender shoulders as Johnny sighed.</p><p>“Can I turn off the light?” Roy asked, and he could feel Johnny’s nod against his chin. He disentangled himself from Johnny for just a moment, fumbled for the light switch, and then wrapped himself around his partner again, and arm thrown across his side. Johnny wrapped gentle fingers around Roy’s wrist and wordlessly tugged his arm tighter around him, like a warm coat on a cold winter’s day, a comforting shield against the world.</p><p>Roy could hear Johnny’s breath hitch, a painful little noise.</p><p>“Johnny?” he asked.</p><p>“I… I don’t think I can lose this again,” Johnny admitted very quietly, sounding resigned to his fate regardless. “I know I’ll have to, I know this isn’t fair to your family, but I just-” his voice gave out and he fell silent, shaking slightly, and Roy wondered if he was crying, but he also didn’t want to know. He didn’t think he could survive seeing Johnny cry. Definitely not right now, probably never. </p><p>“I know, Johnny,” he said, and pulled him even tighter against his chest. “I know. We’ll just - we’ll just have to find a way to make this work. I don’t know how, I don’t know if it’s possible, but we’ll try. But now… now we should try and get some sleep.”</p><p>“‘k,” Johnny whispered and the last thing Roy felt before he drifted off to sleep was Johnny gently interlacing their fingers and maybe, just maybe, a barely audible “I love you.”</p>
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